do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
