mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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