you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
