I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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