don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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