when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
