I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
