Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
