I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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