i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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