I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
