I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
