Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
