So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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