I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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