life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
it wasn't lemon gatorade
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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