She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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