I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I still have a little drunk in my system
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
