I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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