Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
