i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
