I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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