Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i will never coherently bang her
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Randomize
