It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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