my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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