just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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