based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think I am morally bankrupt
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
