but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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