I checked into jail on foursquare
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
