The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
