I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
