He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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