just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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