Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
