I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
