got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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