Got a toothbrush?
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm jealous of your bromance
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
