yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
