dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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