my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
