well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
