I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
