so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
