my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
