The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
