Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
