I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
