We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
