come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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