i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
