Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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