I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
