he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
