What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He called his prostate his "boner button".
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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