if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
