Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
